Dangerous Facial Hair

March 29, 2022 — 21 Comments

Beards come, and beards go. Yet humanity offers no consensus on their value. Perhaps that is because there are so many diverse styles, ranging from restrained to insane.

C.S. Lewis mentioned in passing the “biblical” style of beards in a 1939 letter to his brother Warnie.

For instance the presence of the revolving bookcase in the study has just introduced me to a book of Minto’s mother’s which is well worth studying. It is called Gems of Literature/Elegant, rare, and Suggestive

The engravings are of a sort you can probably imagine – damsels with those peculiar comic-section or peg-top legs and eyes raised to heaven and old men with what can only be called Biblical beards.

Facial hair is a personal choice. But when that choice becomes deadly, perhaps society should intervene. Take the case of Hans Steininger, a sixteenth century burgomaster in the Austrian-German city that would one day become the birthplace of Adolf Hitler.

Some mental disorder apparently compelled him to have scissors banned from his city, lest a single hair on his magnificent beard be severed. Seriously, he died because he tripped over his chin whiskers during a major fire in 1567.

Steininger usually kept his prodigious beard hair rolled up and stuffed in a pocket, but during the commotion he was running around with it hanging free. In the midst of the chaos, he managed to step on his own beard, sending him tumbling down a flight of stairs and breaking his neck…

The full-body illustration at the church shows Steininger’s beard bifurcated into two scraggly strands, stretching down past his feet. And tucked away in the local district museum is the town’s most hirsute artifact: the 450-year-old beard of Steininger.

Even in ancient times, everyone recognized an unkempt beard was a liability, particularly in combat. In The Life of Theseus, Plutarch states this was why Alexander the Great ordered his soldiers in his phalanxes to shave.

They write also that this was the reason why Alexander gave command to his captains that all the beards of the Macedonians should be shaved, as being the readiest hold for an enemy.

Although I sported a modest mustache for a short time back in the day when Tom Selleck starred as Magnum P.I., I’ve never been a big fan of facial hair. Seeing Steininger’s likeness reinforces that.

Add to that the biblical warning from Leviticus: “When a man or woman has a disease on the head or the beard, the priest shall examine the disease. And if it appears deeper than the skin, and the hair in it is yellow and thin, then the priest shall pronounce him unclean.” (Leviticus 13).

Historical Biases

While well-maintained beards are okay, two additional (historical) factors contribute to my discomfiture. First, as a student of the American Civil War, I find myself repelled by the odd appearance choices of people such as General Ambrose Burnside. Although he gave his name to “sideburns,” that’s hardly what I would call these monstrosities. (Also called mutton chops, which is precisely what the cultured bon vivant should have adorning their cheeks.)

The second reason for my wariness is due to the affinity of too many pastors in my own denomination for beards. I doubt they wear them to wow the ladies. Perhaps they think the beards make them appear more distinguished?

Actually, I’ve become desensitized to most pastors who opt for facial hair – with one bizarre exception. To employ a cliché literally: for the life of me, I can’t understand why anyone living in the twenty-first century would opt for a “chin curtain.” I understand the Amish have an affinity for them, but who ever considered those German Anabaptists fashionable?

Sadly, because my church also possesses a strong Germanic strain, I’ve discovered more than one minister bearing this mark of Cain. Perhaps they hope to emulate the denomination’s first president, the Rev. Dr. C.F.W. Walther. If so, my advice is they follow his example of conscientious pastoral care, and dispense with the externals. (I will concede that his black leather suit does look rather dapper, being that the image was captured for posterity in the mid-1800s.)

C.S. Lewis & His Beard

I can forgive C.S. Lewis for aligning with the beard-faction on at least two occasions. That’s because there were extenuating circumstances.

In 1924 he wrote to his father about an illness that led to what may have been his first transgression.

My dear Papy,

I got chicken pox and am only now out of quarantine. I have of course been quite well enough to write for some time but I don’t know whether you have had this complaint and thought it better not to chance infecting you: I am told that the older you are the less likely it will be to ‘take’, but the worse if it does.

I had a pretty high temperature at the beginning and some very uncomfortable nights of intense perspiration, but it soon passed off.

The danger of cutting any of the spots on my face of course made shaving impossible till this very day and I had a fine beard. I have left the moustache which would excite ‘poor Warren’s’ envy, but I shall probably get tired of it in a few weeks. It is very stiff, and all the hairs grow in different directions and it is thicker on one side than on the other.

In a 1931 letter to his childhood friend, Arthur Greeves, he mentions offhand as he closes that he has altered his appearance.

I suppose you have heard about Warnie’s peerage – for gallantry during the recent manoeuvres. I have grown a beard – Good night.

In two letters written in 1956, C.S. Lewis would describe the illness-induced beard he had mentioned to his father.  He humorously describes its imperfections. The first was written to a young fan.

Your mother tells me you have all been having chicken pox. I had it long after I was grown up and it’s much worse if you are a man for of course you can’t shave with the spots on your face. So I grew a beard and though my hair is black the beard was half yellow and half red! You should have seen me.

The following month he shared more details with a longtime correspondent.

The Tycoon may count himself lucky to have got chickenpox before he reaches the age of shaving brushes and razors. I had it in my late 20’s and grew a beard which was part yellow and part red though my hair is black – a very striking colour scheme.

Apart from that, though, I think it a very good sort of illness on the whole. A nice long quarantine which by sentencing one to solitary confinement secures one against pupils, committees etc. But no doubt it had no such charms for you.

Seeing C.S. Lewis adorned with a beard would surely make for an odd photograph. Especially one taken in color.

Postscript

Forgive me. I’ve vented more than I intended. Wear whatever hairstyle you prefer. However, I would caution you that if your beard drags on the ground, it’s best to carry an emergency set of shears, lest you stumble during an emergency stampede.

As a treat for those who have read to the end of this column, here is an image from Gems of Literature. I suspect these were two of the “Biblical beards” to which C.S. Lewis referred.

Bonus for beard aficionados: For a curious look at a guy whose quest is to see how many facial hair variations he “can check off from the chart of facial hair types,” visit this site.

21 responses to Dangerous Facial Hair

  1. 

    The Doughboys stayed in Europe several months after WWI ended. My grandmother’s three brothers wrote home about growing mustaches because the French girls liked them. But they got tired of them and shaved them off even before leaving France. (BTW, I found a box of dark brown hair among my Grandma Leora’s keepsakes. Stunned, I also found the story behind it. She talked her reluctant husband into giving her a “boy bob” cut about 1924!)

    • 

      Fascinating history.

      My military service is what caused me to shave my mustache. The regulations were quite severe–not allowing it to go a centimeter beyond or below the lips.

      Like Lewis, my mustache, which looked fine when it was “full” had dark brown hair in the middle with blonder hair on the edges. The unfortunate result was that from a distance it resembled the one worn by the “Adolf” referred to above.

  2. 

    We always try forms of beards and mustaches when Kevin grows his for Movember and I get to finally cut it all off!

    • 

      I had a brother-in-law who could grow manly beards so quickly that he would sometimes cut it off just to start over. It seemed like you could never remember whether he had a beard or not, at any given time.

  3. 
    dalejamesnelson March 29, 2022 at 10:12 am

    Remember Ransom’s glorious beard in That Hideous Strength!

    • 

      I had forgotten how beards figured into the book–and you’ve reminded me my rereading of the space trilogy is long overdue. This doesn’t refer to Ransom, but it’s a great description:

      “The murderer is a respectable Cambridge don with weak eyes, a game leg, and a fair beard. He’s dined in this College.”

  4. 

    Hi Rob, I have a beard but I do realize that with great hair comes great responsibility. So yes, watch out that it doesn’t become a stumbling block.

    Thanks, Gary

    • 

      Great responsibility–I love that!

      Glad to see Mere Inkling’s hirsute readers are seeing this post in the humorous manner which I intended.

    • 

      Dear Reverend Stroud,

      I concur with both you and G. P. Avants. Moreover, it is quite noticeable that beard is back in fashion, given the increasing number of people in the media and in everyday life who grow beard. What do you think?

      I have a suspicion that the beard fashion was inadvertently started by Hugh Laurie in his TV series “House”. From then on, facial hair gradually becomes more acceptable and even desirable. The franchised series American Idol and Australian Idol are also good cases.

      By the way, there are women who are naturally bearded, and a very few even wear theirs proudly.

      Speaking of being bearded, I also like seeing the hirsute condition on flowers, not just on male adults. I once commented as follows on someone’s blog:

      Whilst appreciating poems in free style, SoundEagle tends to be more (or perhaps) unnecessarily struck and affected by rhyming schemes. Perhaps being a composer and years of paying attention to sounds have “done me in”, so to speak. As such, SoundEagle’s favourite part is

      And today has full lips
      with time bearing full hips

      And speaking of hip, SoundEagle is “smitten hip and thigh” on the terminal buds of bearded irises swaying in “terminals of pipe and shafts of light”. . . . .

      To see bearded irises in flower, you will need to wait until early May.

      Since April is just around the corner, I would like to wish you the pleasure of experiencing plenty of wonderful springtime energies for the month of April in all its Love and Glory at my post entitled “🦅 SoundEagle in April Love and Dove, Art and Heart, Game and Puzzle, Music and Video 🕊💌💘“, accessible to you with the following link:

      https://soundeagle.wordpress.com/2013/04/10/soundeagle-in-april-love-and-dove-art-and-heart-game-and-puzzle-music-and-video/

      This post features one of my late mother’s favourite songs, sung by various artists. May you enjoy them to your heart’s content!

      Happy April to you and G. P. Avants very soon!

      Yours sincerely,
      SoundEagle

    • 

      Dear Reverend Stroud and G. P. Avants,

      Here’s something high-tech for you to consider regarding “Innovation in Men’s Grooming” as provided by “Google Beard”, as mentioned at http://google-ai.org/2021/12/19/what-is-google-beard-innovation-in-mens-grooming/

      Yours sincerely,
      SoundEagle

  5. 

    Ha ha ha… thanks for a good laugh…

  6. 

    Dear Reverend Stroud,

    Here is one of my ultra-large illustrations featured in my post entitled We have Paleolithic Emotions; Medieval Institutions; and God-like Technology. It depicts two bearded men in the foreground. Do you approve of such beards?

    This poster-sized illustration has a resolution of 3018 by 2007 pixels.

    Yours sincerely,
    SoundEagle

    • 

      I guess they were well suited to cavemen and viking berserkers.

      • 

        Dear Reverend Stroud,

        I chuckled at your answer. The caveman mentality and berserker ferocity were still all too apparent during the infamous riot at the Capitol on Jan 6th. This is but one of the many paramount reasons for the publication of my expansive post entitled We have Paleolithic Emotions; Medieval Institutions; and God-like Technology.

        Happy April to you and your family! May you enjoy the weekend to your heart’s content!

        Yours sincerely,
        SoundEagle

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